If you’ve visited the “about me” section of my long-un-updated Brickhouseracing homepage, you know that I’ve spent my fair share of time in the weightroom. Lately, I’ve been hitting the weights a couple of times a week, and I thought that maybe a few of you could use some help… (this goes for cyclists as well as you run-of-the-mill “meatheads” out there!)

1. When you see/hear about how desirable it is to have a “V” shape, it is in reference to your torso ABOVE the waist- NOT your entire body. PUT THE DUMBELLS DOWN AND DO SOME EFFING SQUATS ALREADY! If you see me “checking you out,” it’s probably because I’m in awe of how large your upper body is and how stupidly small your legs are.

2. While we’re on the topic of squats: IT’S A SQUAT RACK. NOT A BICEPS-CURL RACK. Biceps femoris > Biceps Brachii. If this confuses you, check your muscle anatomy charts.
-One last thing about squats: top of thigh parallel to the ground or they don’t count.
-One last thing about biceps curl: elbow goes through a full range of motion or they don’t count. Stop lowering the weight to ~90-100 degrees @ the elbow just so you can use the 30s instead of the 25s.

3. If you sweat a little, use the paper towels, etc. that the gym provides to get your booty/back/head sweat off of the machine you just used. If you sweat a lot, save some trees and bring your own towel. Either way, don’t leave a damp patch for someone else to lay on.

4. Learn correct form. Don’t be “that guy” that’s turning a lat pull-down into a row or a bench press into anything that doesn’t involve the bar contacting the chest in a way other than a giant bounce.

5. There are two types of women in the weightroom:
-Those that are there to pick up guys (either at the weightroom itself or by “toning up” a bit to make themselves more attractive outside the weightroom)
-Those that are there to get stronger and, as an added bonus, possibly make themselves more attractive to themselves regardless of how they appear to the opposite sex.
-Do not gawk or stare at the latter of the two. She does not want your number, does not want to talk to you unless you honestly need help with your workout, and she does not want you using the mirror in front of her squat rack to watch yourself do biceps curls while she’s squatting.

6. Don’t sit on benches/machines in between sets if you even have the slightest inkling that someone may want to work in with you between your sets.

7. Stop treating your abs like they’re made of something other than skeletal muscle. There’s no reason to do 11ty billion repetitions of a bunch of rediculous “core” exercises. See that decline bench? Hold a 10 pound plate behind your head and do some situps.

8. Put your weights away when you’re finished with them

9. Don’t use lifting straps unless you absolutely HAVE to. Ever hear the phrase “wet noodle” used to describe a handshake? Yeah, that’s you, Mr. “I use straps for my entire back workout.” My grandmother has more grip strength than you.

10. While you’re at it, do some deadlifts… and no, I’m not talking about the “straight leg” type…