I found out today that the emotional scars from being hit my a car at Rouge Roubaix are going to last a lot longer than the physical ones that are visibly fading. This morning, I went to the orthopedic doc for a follow-up visit. Everything’s healing about like he’d expect, but he does want me to go to some physical therapy in order to take care of the knots in my right glute, quad, and hamstring muscles. No big deal.
I left to doctor’s office to run another errand- go to the William Sonoma Outlet and get a new 13″ saute pan. On the way, I stopped at Starbucks. I got my coffee and was on the way back out to the car. The parking lot was super busy and, at that location, is always kind of a clusterufck. There was a guy in a Taurus partially behind my car while he waited on another car to leave so he could take its spot. As I was walking around towards the back of his car, I dropped my keys. I bent down to pick them up, and as I began to stand, suddenly, there was a Taurus bumper/rear fender in my face & bumping my arm. It was just enough of a nudge for me to spill coffee on his car and my arm.
Before you get upset about people not paying attention (again), I have to defend the guy a little- he’d seen me walking towards the back of his car at “getting stuff done” pace. Then, when he went to back up to let the other car out, he thought I was already clear of his car… not squatting down in his blind spot. Honestly, I could have easily made the same mistake myself, so I can’t possibly be mad at him. He had his window down and was visibly freaked out when I jumped up and gasped as the car made contact with me.
The fact that it was an honest accident (rather than someone being incredibly negligent and not paying attention) didn’t prevent me from having a nervous breakdown once I was inside my car. All of the memories of how terrifying it was to feel like I was at the mercy of an unstoppable mechanized deadly weapon came flooding back into my head. I sobbed for a solid 5 minutes like I did back when I made this post about losing hope in humanity. Like that post, I took a photo, too, but… eh… it’s bad.
I couldn’t stop and had to go home to pull myself together without running my errand to William Sonoma. I just wanted to stay home and hide, but I eventually forced myself to complete my mission a little while later. Retail therapy.
I’ve had a lot of people say that I’m brave for posting stories like this. You know, if I only posted the awesome things that happen during my quest for cycling glory, this blog would be a lie. This is a significant hurdle to overcome in my journey… one that I’m obviously not anywhere near being over just yet. It’s not the first or last (though hopefully, it’s the worst). Posting here has been a good outlet for me to get these things out of my head when they happen, and I appreciate you all listening.
Yep…I hear you. Yesterday on my first ride back from breaking bones I found myself stopping to walk myself across RR tracks….On a sunny day! Bad stuff.
It’s all about the odds. You’ve got yours out of the way. You’re good to go. Oh wait, I’ve been hit by a car three times. And all three times it was a VW Beetle. Nevermind.
The reality is you are no more or less safe now than you were before Rouge Roubaix. The difference is, you are much more specifically and acutely aware of the risks… most roadies and mtb’ers are very good at compartmentalizing, ignoring, blocking out the known, obvious risks of this sport, and filing away the daily little “incidents” into dark corners of the memory bank, forever to be ignored. I know these facts don’t help you any; but want you to know that even though I’ve never been hit, I’ve seen plenty of nastiness out on the roads and as I get older I think about it more and more… changing my routes, riding differently, sometimes skipping a ride if I don’t like the route. You’re not being irrational or wimpy. I think you’re simply dealing with the honest reality of a dangerous sport. All I can say is, give it time; you’re suffering from some version of post traumatic stress. Look into that topic area, read up on it, talk to people.
The important thing is that you keep diving right back into it. I swam in college and watched our divers smack pretty hard quite often. The best thing for them was to go right back up to the top of that 10m platform and nail that exact same dive. Anytime you feel like the thought of riding alone is just too much to bear come and join a Bikes Plus ride. I’m usually the only girl out there, it’s nice when I get some more estrogen in the group.
You seem like a very strong and independent sort, and it must be horrible to have the emotional scars you write about. I imagine part of the horror that goes through your mind is the sense of not being in control of your own destiny. I hate that feeling! I was bit by a dog years ago while running, and I am still VERY wary when I come across dogs when out training. (I have 2 dogs of my own and am not normally afraid of dogs.) The fear isn’t anything like it was initially, but eventually it lessened to the point where I can act like a rational, normal person most of the time when dogs bark at me from their yard. But even though my incident was a long time ago, I still have those moments where I get surprised by a dog coming at me and I act like a lunatic unnecessarily! I guess my point is that while things like this effect us, maybe even change us a little, they don’t define us and we can get through it. I am confident you will do that and will be a stronger, better and even more independent person because of it!!! :) Hang in there and thanks for sharing your experience, it helps us all.
Hang-in there, Andrea! You are one tough bird, especially for sharing. Experiencing different emotions are part of the healing process too, and they all lead to a road of better understanding the relationship between cars and cyclists. I know this because I’ve been pasted by steel also…that, and I’m a unicorn, duh.