Big Changes Ahead, Big Adventures to Follow

I know a few of you are getting tired of the somewhat monotonous posting here. That’s gonna change real soon.

 

 

I’ll start by hopping in my way-back machine and taking you to the time I spent hanging out at 92Fifty Cyclery while I was in Colorado the weeks before Vapor Trail.  Here’s a link to the blog category that covers the whole trip (and more): OutWest Trip It’s in reverse chronological order, so if you’re really bored at work right now, scroll back to the #1 post about the road trip out and start reading until I’m back home. The 2nd to last rant-y one is highly relevant, too, so at least read that one.

While I was at 92Fifty, I did a fair amount of riding with Jonathan Davis (the owner of both 92Fifty and Elevated Legs) and the (former) mechanic Kyle Taylor. On one ride, we got to the top of a climb (more accurately, they got to the top and were waiting for me… because, “altitude”), and before we hit the dropper switches and bombed down the other side, Jon asked if I’d be interested in joining the 92Fifty/Elevated Legs Pro Team he was planning for the 2015 season.

Yes. Yes I would.

I was admittedly burnt out on doing the “solo pro” thing. I’ve said it before, and I still stand by it- Finding sponsors can be akin to terrible internet dating. Sure, they seem cool when you first meet them, but then they usually stop calling back and returning emails within a couple of weeks.
That doesn’t go for everyone, of course. Gu Energy Labs was, and still is, a huge supporter of my efforts. Not only do I genuinely love their products, I’ve gone on several adventures (Breck Epic and Dirty Kanza 200, to name a couple) that wouldn’t have happened without their support. Really, all of the sponsors that are listed over on the side of this page have remained an integral part of my racing and training from year-to-year. They’ve all been there for me across all of my adventures.

However, the opportunity to be on the 92Fifty/Elevated Legs Team isn’t one that comes calling on a regular basis. So, I’m there. I’m super there, hella stoked, and wicked excited. I felt really motivated to work hard over the winter so I could come out with guns blazing in 2015.

2015 92Fifty/Elevated Legs Pro Team

Then, I got back to Memphis.

Something happened. People I care about got hit by careless drivers. I almost got hit by careless drivers (several times, the first couple of weeks back). My brain short-circuited, and I started having panic attacks as badly as I’d had them immediately after being hit at Rouge Roubaix way back in 2013.
I got depressed. Not like, “a little down/sad” depressed, but, “I wish that woman had killed me” depressed. At my worst, if it weren’t for finding a daily yoga class to go to in addition to Tuesday and Thursday Jiu Jitsu at the gym, I would have stayed at home on the couch and not eaten,  showered, or interacted with the outside world for days at a time. Like a lot of people suffering through depression, I’ve gone through the exhaustive motions of wearing an “I’m OK” mask that’s mostly hidden how much of a mental train wreck I am on the inside. I’ve gutted out some minimal training, and I’ve found some peace when I go to Syllamo- how I feel once I’m away at the cabin and safe in the mountains is literally the one thing that’s given me the hope that I’m not totally broken.

To say it’s been a rough few months would be a gross understatement.

Then, I was presented with another 92Fifty opportunity. Jon asked me to come out and work/live at the shop this Summer. I was torn… most of what/who I know and love is here. However, so is what’s causing me a lot of pain- if you want to train hard here, you’re going to do much of it on the road. I’ve been mentally and physically unable to go on solo road rides since September (and I’ve ridden on the road exactly twice with a handful of friends during that time). The general “Memphis” attitude towards our trails by some in the riding community (example in the “rant” post in the OutWest link above) as well as the general public’s attitude towards physical activity gets me down, too. I’ve always made a decent go at NOT letting that happen, but it’s worn hard on my already ragged emotions.

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The mountains are calling, and you know the next line of that quote…

I am a realistic person. I know that depression isn’t wholly treated by just changing scenery. I also know that I’m dropping a lot of personal responsibilities I have in being around for Ryan. However, when I start feeling hopeless on a frightening level, the self-preserving need to be selfish and take this chance to experience the mountains and escape the daily marinating in things that trigger my hopeless feelings overrides everything else. I don’t know what will happen after that, but, right now, this is the one thing that makes me feel like I’ve got a chance at feeling like myself again.

It’s scary. It’s a little overwhelming. It’s also one of the most exciting things I’ve ever looked forward to experiencing.